Return of the Living Dead

Directed By: Dan O’Bannon

Starring: Clu Gulager & Thom Mathews

Return of the Living Dead fantastically starts off by stating that it is based on a true story. It immediately lets you in on the joke that it tells over the next hour and a half. And it makes me hope that the stupid idiots that believe the Texas Chainsaw Massacre is real have to think about that statement.

Return of the Living Dead tells the story that George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead is actually real, but Romero had to change all the facts around so he wouldn’t be sued. And it just so happens that a group of zombies from that fateful night in Pennsylvania has ended up in a medical supply warehouse were three of the protagonists work. When a container that possesses one of the zombies is opened, all hell breaks loose.

The zombies in ROTLD are nothing like Romero’s zombies. They run, they can state complete sentences, and possibly the most blasphemous thing I have ever seen in a zombie movie, they don’t die whenever there brain is destroyed. Decapitate one. Nothing. Put a pick ax in the back of one of their skulls and they still keep coming!

The main characters have a ton of charisma as they spout off witty quips as they try to figure out ways to outsmart the living dead. You get Burt, the owner of the medical supply warehouse and the leader of the bunch, Ernie, the owner of the mortuary next door and a possible Nazi, Frank, who is kind of the idiot of the bunch, and Freddy, the naïve new guy. Burt is definitely my favorite character. In addition to the characters being strong, the situation they are in is so dire that I don’t think the movie would be as fun if the situation wasn’t so hopeless.

The humor is also great and intentional. Not only do the dead come back to life, but so does every other dead thing in the medical supply warehouse. And seeing two of the main characters try to beat a split dog to death is sure to cause a chuckle. Or hearing the staple ROTLD zombie “The Tarman” say “More Brains” could cause you to ROFL.

Return of the Living Dead has one of the best endings a horror movie can posses and I wish more horror films would end like that. Unfortunately every sequel in the ROTLD series is complete trash and with the exception of Shaun of the Dead, I hate comedy in zombie movies, but I am willing to say that the original ROTLD is as important in the zombie genre as Romero’s Dawn of the Dead is.

8 out of 10
Trailer for “Return of the Living Dead:”

Survival of the Dead

Directed By: George A. Romero

Starring: Alan Van Sprang & Kenneth Welsh

“Survival of the Dead” takes place just a few days after the original Night of the Living Dead, after the dead began to walk. You learn there is an island, named Plum Island, near Delaware. On Plum Island there are two families that have always ran it, the O’Flynns and the Muldoons, and they have never seen eye to eye. Now with the dead walking and trying to eat the living, they disagree with each other even more. The O’Flynns believe every zombie should be killed immediately, while the Muldoons want to “save” the zombies by locking them up and waiting for a cure to be discovered. The Muldoons also hope they can teach the zombies to eat various animals instead of the flesh of the living. Soon, a group of rogue soldiers learn about Plum Island and decide to go there. Once there, the soldiers are caught in between the war that exists between the O’Flynns, the Muldoons, and the large number of zombies that ravage Plum Island.

Romero’s attempts at humor bore me. Maybe Romero is still stoked on Shaun of the Dead, but his idea of humor is not funny to me. Romero’s “humor” primarily comes in the form of different ways to kill zombies. Such as shoving a fire extinguisher into a zombie’s mouth or shooting a zombie in the head, only for the top of his scalp to fall on what remains of the stump of his neck. What makes stuff like this not funny to me is the CGI that is used to perform the kill. The CGI just looks like crap. So instead of laughing at the idea that the zombie’s eyes just burst out of his head because it just got filled with the contents of a fire extinguisher, I’m thinking, “God that CGI looks bad.” And to make things worse, a large number of zombies that are killed are done so in a “humorous” manner. “Survival of the Dead” certainly doesn’t need any comedic relief scenes because it’s not that scary of a movie. Maybe the pie scene worked so well in the original Dawn of the Dead because it was so kookie and most importantly CGI free. I just feel like zombie movies don’t need to have any CGI in them because so many good zombie movies came out in the 70s and 80s and last time I checked, they didn’t have any CGI in them.

CGI and humor complaints aside, there is actually a lot of cool things going on in “Survival.” For example, we get to learn new rules of what can happen in a Romero zombie movie. “Survival” teaches us that if YOU bite a zombie, you will slowly turn into one. There is another cool rule that we learn, but I don’t want to give it away because it is a minor plot twist.

The cinematography is absolutely beautiful and it does a tremendous job of capturing the countryside of Plum Island. If “Survival” really was shot near Delaware, I’m willing to go out on a limb and say that some parts of Delaware must be very pretty. The final still shot of “Survival,” in which we get to see what past Romero zombie films have taught us, is possibly my favorite shot in the movie.

The score is also very good as well. It does a great job of moving the action in the movie at a creepy pace. I found some of the “jump out scares” to be very effective due to the score adding something more to the scare. The gore that wasn’t done with CGI is worth mentioning. There are a couple of good body rips and a quick scalping in “Survival” that are fun.

I have read on the internet how some people believe this is Romero’s take on the abortion topic, with the O’Flynns being pro-choice and the Muldoons being pro-life. I think that is great that some people look for a deeper meaning in a Romero zombie movie. I also think it is cool if you just want to watch a zombie movie and see someone get ripped in half. Although some of Romero’s ideas are no longer fresh, as long as he keeps making movies, I will keep watching them.

6 out of 10:
Trailer for “Survival of the Dead:”

Strange Wilderness

Directed By: Fred Wolf

Starring: Steve Zahn & Allen Covert

“Strange Wilderness” tells the story of Peter Gaulke, a nature “expert” with a nature television show that airs at 3AM. Including Peter, the majority of the show’s crew are pot-heads that probably have some type of developmental disability. When Peter learns the network is going to cancel his show, he decides he is going to find Bigfoot, capture him on film, and save his show.

The humor in “Strange Wilderness” is driven by penis jokes, weed jokes, and a little shock humor. I’m sure a lot of people would find this type of humor to be “immature,” and I love a witty joke that makes you think about it before you get it as much as the next guy, but I think someone farting in a crowd of people is hysterical.

With “Strange Wilderness” being a Happy Madison production, a lot of supporting actors that you normally see in Adam Sandler movies have bigger roles in this. Justin Long and Jonah Hill also have memorable characters in this.

At only 80 minutes long, “Strange Wilderness” never has a chance to drag and the penis jokes don’t have a chance of getting old. And seeing the outcome of the crew’s meeting with Bigfoot is pretty gold.

6 Out Of 10
Trailer for “Strange Wilderness:”

Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 3

Developed By: Infinity Ward and Sledgehammer Games

Playable On: Xbox 360, Playstation 3, and PC

What the hell is going on in the story of Modern Warfare 3? Maybe I didn’t understand it because I never played the first Modern Warfare. Or maybe it was because you are constantly playing as different characters in the campaign and I had trouble following all the different narratives. But I will tell you what, the story doesn’t matter because MW3 is one of the prettiest and over the top games I have ever played. You will be much more concerned about watching the Eiffel Tower blow up and collapse than why is the Eiffel Tower blowing up and collapsing.

What I was able to get is that there is a crazy Russian terrorist by the name of Makarov, and for the first two Modern Warfares he has been gaining power. And finally in MW3, he has started World War 3. The game does an amazing job of putting you in these crazy over the top set pieces giving you the same mission: capture or kill Makarov and his associates. Occasionally there is a rescue mission of sorts, but those never pan out well.

What makes these over the top set pieces even greater is that you actually feel like you are in control. I played through the story mode on Veteran (Expert) and there was constantly something going on causing complete chaos. And during all this chaos, the progress you are making actually feels like your doing and not the game just going through automatic motions. One of my favorite set pieces came when you are sitting shotgun in this wild high speed car chase and the car you are chasing turn sideways and the car you are in rams it. The game then goes into slow mo and you have to kill everybody in the car except for the man you are trying to capture. Super epic. Even the stealth missions were nerve racking. MW3 proves that even trying not to be spotted by enemies can be as exciting as a ton of bombs exploding all around you. I want to know why Michael Bay hasn’t directed a Call of Duty yet. I would assume that would be right up his alley. The story mode took me seven hours and 38 minutes to complete it, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

No Call of Duty would be complete without its multiplayer component. If you have played Call of Duty multiplayer in the past then you know what to expect. As you play games you level up gaining access to better weapons, perks and kill streak awards. And it is still as addictive as ever. There are a couple of new games types such as Kill Confirmed and Team Defender. In Kill Confirmed you have to pick up your fallen foe’s dog tags in order for the kill to count and you can deny a kill by picking up a teammate’s dog tags. In Team Defender, you have to capture a flag and see how long your team can hold on to it. Halo owns my multiplayer heart, but COD multiplayer sure is fun.

Spec Ops returns from Modern Warfare 2, in which you are given various missions and you try to earn stars by trying to see how fast and well you can complete them. The new and awesome addition to Spec Ops is Survival. In Survival, you fight endless waves of various enemies. With every kill you get, you earn money which allows you to buy different weapons and air support. The only negative thing about Survival is that it is only a two player mode, whereas Black Ops' Zombie mode allowed four players to play a single game. Gears of War 2 introduced us to this style of gaming and MW3 shows us why it is still fun.

I’m gonna go ahead and say that all the hype surrounding MW3 was well worth it, as well as me standing in line for half an hour at midnight to get a copy of it. I’m pretty sure people are going to be playing this game for a long time to come.

9 out of 10
Trailer for Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3: