Return of the Living Dead

Directed By: Dan O’Bannon

Starring: Clu Gulager & Thom Mathews

Return of the Living Dead fantastically starts off by stating that it is based on a true story. It immediately lets you in on the joke that it tells over the next hour and a half. And it makes me hope that the stupid idiots that believe the Texas Chainsaw Massacre is real have to think about that statement.

Return of the Living Dead tells the story that George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead is actually real, but Romero had to change all the facts around so he wouldn’t be sued. And it just so happens that a group of zombies from that fateful night in Pennsylvania has ended up in a medical supply warehouse were three of the protagonists work. When a container that possesses one of the zombies is opened, all hell breaks loose.

The zombies in ROTLD are nothing like Romero’s zombies. They run, they can state complete sentences, and possibly the most blasphemous thing I have ever seen in a zombie movie, they don’t die whenever there brain is destroyed. Decapitate one. Nothing. Put a pick ax in the back of one of their skulls and they still keep coming!

The main characters have a ton of charisma as they spout off witty quips as they try to figure out ways to outsmart the living dead. You get Burt, the owner of the medical supply warehouse and the leader of the bunch, Ernie, the owner of the mortuary next door and a possible Nazi, Frank, who is kind of the idiot of the bunch, and Freddy, the naïve new guy. Burt is definitely my favorite character. In addition to the characters being strong, the situation they are in is so dire that I don’t think the movie would be as fun if the situation wasn’t so hopeless.

The humor is also great and intentional. Not only do the dead come back to life, but so does every other dead thing in the medical supply warehouse. And seeing two of the main characters try to beat a split dog to death is sure to cause a chuckle. Or hearing the staple ROTLD zombie “The Tarman” say “More Brains” could cause you to ROFL.

Return of the Living Dead has one of the best endings a horror movie can posses and I wish more horror films would end like that. Unfortunately every sequel in the ROTLD series is complete trash and with the exception of Shaun of the Dead, I hate comedy in zombie movies, but I am willing to say that the original ROTLD is as important in the zombie genre as Romero’s Dawn of the Dead is.

8 out of 10
Trailer for “Return of the Living Dead:”

Survival of the Dead

Directed By: George A. Romero

Starring: Alan Van Sprang & Kenneth Welsh

“Survival of the Dead” takes place just a few days after the original Night of the Living Dead, after the dead began to walk. You learn there is an island, named Plum Island, near Delaware. On Plum Island there are two families that have always ran it, the O’Flynns and the Muldoons, and they have never seen eye to eye. Now with the dead walking and trying to eat the living, they disagree with each other even more. The O’Flynns believe every zombie should be killed immediately, while the Muldoons want to “save” the zombies by locking them up and waiting for a cure to be discovered. The Muldoons also hope they can teach the zombies to eat various animals instead of the flesh of the living. Soon, a group of rogue soldiers learn about Plum Island and decide to go there. Once there, the soldiers are caught in between the war that exists between the O’Flynns, the Muldoons, and the large number of zombies that ravage Plum Island.

Romero’s attempts at humor bore me. Maybe Romero is still stoked on Shaun of the Dead, but his idea of humor is not funny to me. Romero’s “humor” primarily comes in the form of different ways to kill zombies. Such as shoving a fire extinguisher into a zombie’s mouth or shooting a zombie in the head, only for the top of his scalp to fall on what remains of the stump of his neck. What makes stuff like this not funny to me is the CGI that is used to perform the kill. The CGI just looks like crap. So instead of laughing at the idea that the zombie’s eyes just burst out of his head because it just got filled with the contents of a fire extinguisher, I’m thinking, “God that CGI looks bad.” And to make things worse, a large number of zombies that are killed are done so in a “humorous” manner. “Survival of the Dead” certainly doesn’t need any comedic relief scenes because it’s not that scary of a movie. Maybe the pie scene worked so well in the original Dawn of the Dead because it was so kookie and most importantly CGI free. I just feel like zombie movies don’t need to have any CGI in them because so many good zombie movies came out in the 70s and 80s and last time I checked, they didn’t have any CGI in them.

CGI and humor complaints aside, there is actually a lot of cool things going on in “Survival.” For example, we get to learn new rules of what can happen in a Romero zombie movie. “Survival” teaches us that if YOU bite a zombie, you will slowly turn into one. There is another cool rule that we learn, but I don’t want to give it away because it is a minor plot twist.

The cinematography is absolutely beautiful and it does a tremendous job of capturing the countryside of Plum Island. If “Survival” really was shot near Delaware, I’m willing to go out on a limb and say that some parts of Delaware must be very pretty. The final still shot of “Survival,” in which we get to see what past Romero zombie films have taught us, is possibly my favorite shot in the movie.

The score is also very good as well. It does a great job of moving the action in the movie at a creepy pace. I found some of the “jump out scares” to be very effective due to the score adding something more to the scare. The gore that wasn’t done with CGI is worth mentioning. There are a couple of good body rips and a quick scalping in “Survival” that are fun.

I have read on the internet how some people believe this is Romero’s take on the abortion topic, with the O’Flynns being pro-choice and the Muldoons being pro-life. I think that is great that some people look for a deeper meaning in a Romero zombie movie. I also think it is cool if you just want to watch a zombie movie and see someone get ripped in half. Although some of Romero’s ideas are no longer fresh, as long as he keeps making movies, I will keep watching them.

6 out of 10:
Trailer for “Survival of the Dead:”

Strange Wilderness

Directed By: Fred Wolf

Starring: Steve Zahn & Allen Covert

“Strange Wilderness” tells the story of Peter Gaulke, a nature “expert” with a nature television show that airs at 3AM. Including Peter, the majority of the show’s crew are pot-heads that probably have some type of developmental disability. When Peter learns the network is going to cancel his show, he decides he is going to find Bigfoot, capture him on film, and save his show.

The humor in “Strange Wilderness” is driven by penis jokes, weed jokes, and a little shock humor. I’m sure a lot of people would find this type of humor to be “immature,” and I love a witty joke that makes you think about it before you get it as much as the next guy, but I think someone farting in a crowd of people is hysterical.

With “Strange Wilderness” being a Happy Madison production, a lot of supporting actors that you normally see in Adam Sandler movies have bigger roles in this. Justin Long and Jonah Hill also have memorable characters in this.

At only 80 minutes long, “Strange Wilderness” never has a chance to drag and the penis jokes don’t have a chance of getting old. And seeing the outcome of the crew’s meeting with Bigfoot is pretty gold.

6 Out Of 10
Trailer for “Strange Wilderness:”

Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 3

Developed By: Infinity Ward and Sledgehammer Games

Playable On: Xbox 360, Playstation 3, and PC

What the hell is going on in the story of Modern Warfare 3? Maybe I didn’t understand it because I never played the first Modern Warfare. Or maybe it was because you are constantly playing as different characters in the campaign and I had trouble following all the different narratives. But I will tell you what, the story doesn’t matter because MW3 is one of the prettiest and over the top games I have ever played. You will be much more concerned about watching the Eiffel Tower blow up and collapse than why is the Eiffel Tower blowing up and collapsing.

What I was able to get is that there is a crazy Russian terrorist by the name of Makarov, and for the first two Modern Warfares he has been gaining power. And finally in MW3, he has started World War 3. The game does an amazing job of putting you in these crazy over the top set pieces giving you the same mission: capture or kill Makarov and his associates. Occasionally there is a rescue mission of sorts, but those never pan out well.

What makes these over the top set pieces even greater is that you actually feel like you are in control. I played through the story mode on Veteran (Expert) and there was constantly something going on causing complete chaos. And during all this chaos, the progress you are making actually feels like your doing and not the game just going through automatic motions. One of my favorite set pieces came when you are sitting shotgun in this wild high speed car chase and the car you are chasing turn sideways and the car you are in rams it. The game then goes into slow mo and you have to kill everybody in the car except for the man you are trying to capture. Super epic. Even the stealth missions were nerve racking. MW3 proves that even trying not to be spotted by enemies can be as exciting as a ton of bombs exploding all around you. I want to know why Michael Bay hasn’t directed a Call of Duty yet. I would assume that would be right up his alley. The story mode took me seven hours and 38 minutes to complete it, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

No Call of Duty would be complete without its multiplayer component. If you have played Call of Duty multiplayer in the past then you know what to expect. As you play games you level up gaining access to better weapons, perks and kill streak awards. And it is still as addictive as ever. There are a couple of new games types such as Kill Confirmed and Team Defender. In Kill Confirmed you have to pick up your fallen foe’s dog tags in order for the kill to count and you can deny a kill by picking up a teammate’s dog tags. In Team Defender, you have to capture a flag and see how long your team can hold on to it. Halo owns my multiplayer heart, but COD multiplayer sure is fun.

Spec Ops returns from Modern Warfare 2, in which you are given various missions and you try to earn stars by trying to see how fast and well you can complete them. The new and awesome addition to Spec Ops is Survival. In Survival, you fight endless waves of various enemies. With every kill you get, you earn money which allows you to buy different weapons and air support. The only negative thing about Survival is that it is only a two player mode, whereas Black Ops' Zombie mode allowed four players to play a single game. Gears of War 2 introduced us to this style of gaming and MW3 shows us why it is still fun.

I’m gonna go ahead and say that all the hype surrounding MW3 was well worth it, as well as me standing in line for half an hour at midnight to get a copy of it. I’m pretty sure people are going to be playing this game for a long time to come.

9 out of 10
Trailer for Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3:

Hesher

Directed by: Spencer Susser

Starring: Joseph Gordon-Levitt & Natalie Portman

Hesher tells the story of TJ and his father Paul. TJ and his father have been struggling with the recent death of TJ’s mother. The two of them have moved into Paul’s mother’s house and they have started attending grief counseling sessions. After TJ has a random run in with the transient/metalhead/drunk Hesher, TJ cannot get rid of him. Hesher starts showing up at TJ’s school and soon he moves in with them. TJ’s grandmother, unaware of what is going on and Paul being too depressed to do anything about it, let Hesher stay. It just so happens, even though his methods are greatly flawed, Hesher just might be able to bring this family back together.

The relationships the characters share don’t really seem that believable and the situations they get into are really hard to guess what direction they are going to take. However, the movie greatly benefits from this because it keeps the viewer interested and guessing why are these characters spending time together and what is going to be their actions throughout every scene.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt has always been one of my favorite actors, but I thought the casting choice of Gordon-Levitt as Hesher was kind of weird. Gordon-Levitt did a good job of portraying Hesher, but he really didn’t give off that bad ass vibe that a character like Hesher should have. Rainn Wilson played Paul and I am used to seeing him play quirky characters, but I thought he did a good job portraying a depressed and lost individual. I thought Natalie Portman was fun in this movie for the fact that her character was kind of portrayed as a normal everyday Jane Doe. Even though her character was not meant to be attractive, I still found her very pretty. I don’t know anything about Devin Brochu, the actor that played TJ, but he did a really good job being a child actor playing a role that ended up being pretty emotionally heavy.

The soundtrack was kind of fun as songs from Motorhead and Metallica occasionally accompanied different scenes. One scene was fun when Hesher decides to do donuts in his van in a random parking lot to the circle pit part of some song.

I know Hesher was billed as a comedy, but after viewing it, I would call it a drama more than anything. Hesher is definitely an anti-hero that I think will win over most viewers. I think Hesher would actually benefit from a prequel, so we could know more about how Hesher became Hesher.

7 out of 10
Trailer for Hesher:

The Station Agent

Directed By: Thomas McCarthy

Starring: Peter Dinklage & Patricia Clarkson

The Station Agent tells the story of Finbar McBride, a dwarf from New Jersey. Finbar manages to ignore the strangers that constantly stare and make fun of him due to his height as he walks about town. After his good friend passes away, Finbar learns that he has inherited some land with a train depot. Finbar decides to move into the train depot content on living a life of solitude. Things don’t go as planned for Finbar when he meets Joe, a Cuban hot dog vendor and Olivia, a woman who is struggling with the recent death of her young son and divorce from her husband. Joe and Olivia try to push themselves into Finbar’s life as Finbar does his best to keep them out of it.

The Station Agent really takes its time establishing its characters, their relationships, and the conflicts that exist between them. The whole first hour of the movie felt like a lot of build up and it occasionally had to ask me to stick around because it promised there would be a good pay off.

After we have finally been well acquainted with the characters, Finbar can’t escape from the drama, as each scene in the latter half of the movie is filled with tension, as things go from bad to worse for Finbar. The movie does a great job of playing off of this because by this time you have already invested time in the characters and want to see the outcome of their problems.

Two other things I really did like about The Station Agent were the score and cinematography. The score was enjoyable because it gave off sort of an “indie” film type vibe that moved the scenes along well. It made sitting in the DVD Menu fun. I thought the cinematography was good because I thought that Newfoundland, New Jersey (if that’s even where the film was shot) didn’t have the prettiest of scenery to look at, but the cinematography had enough cool shots to attract the eye.

Sad for the majority of the time, but ultimately ending with a happy conclusion, The Station Agent shows that it’s possibly for the strangest of people to come together, become friends, and form a family.

6 out of 10
Trailer for the Station Agent:

Splatterhouse

Developed By: Namco Bandai Games

Playable on: Xbox 360 & Playstation 3

When I think of exploitation movies, there are two things that I hope are in abundance: tits and gore. At its core, Splatterhouse is definitely an exploitation title because two things are prominent: tits and gore.

Splatterhouse is a reboot of a 1988 side scrolling arcade game of the same name. Splatterhouse tells the story of Rick and his girlfriend Jennifer. Jennifer has an interview with Dr. West (Re-Animator anybody?), a professor of Necrobiology. Rick decides to tag along and once they arrive in Dr. West’s mansion, they are attacked by some of Dr. West’s experiments. Jennifer is kidnapped and Rick is mortally wounded. As he lies dying, Rick notices a mask that tells him that if he puts it on, it can help him save Jennifer. When Rick puts on the mask, named The Terror Mask, he is transformed into a giant Jason Voorhees/Hulk rip off.

Splatterhouse is a beat em up platformer that occasionally has some cool throwback 2D side scrolling segments. The majority of the combat is hand to hand combat and weapons, such as meat cleavers and my favorite, shotguns, can be picked up. All attacks can be linked together in combos, which felt very fluid, and after an enemy is killed, Rick collects their blood. The blood obtained from fallen enemies can then be used to buy upgrades for Rick. Some examples of upgrades include parts for a larger health meter or more combos to punish the undead creatures that roam around Dr. West’s mansion. Upgrades carry over to new games to justify playing through the game multiple times.

Another addition to the combat is Berserker mode. In Berserker mode, Rick turns into a monster himself, everything turns white, with the exception of the monster’s blood, as even more is spilled at this time, and Rick’s attacks become more powerful. Getting kills in Berserker mode is extremely gratifying. However, Berserker mode only lasts for a very limited time.

The writing dialogue was quite good. Rick and the Terror Mask have some pretty funny exchanges. Rick comes off as this humble guy trying to save his girlfriend, but the Terror Mask knows what kind of power he possesses and is not afraid to throw around the “F” word or make dick jokes.

Like many other games, Splatterhouse is littered with collectibles, allowing the gamer to go look for them if he or she decides to do so. These collectibles come in the form of torn pictures. Once all the pieces are found, they make a nude or semi-nude picture of Jennifer. I am a very linear game player, I just want to run through a stage as fast as I can, not go on some collectible looking side mission. However, I looked high and low in Dr. West’s mansion looking for the pieces of Jennifer’s pictures.

Another element that I thought made Splatterhouse unique was the soundtrack. Some bands on the track listing include: Five Finger Death Punch, Mastodon, and Lamb of God. I would never listen to any of these bands on my own time, but decapitating and disemboweling various monsters to these bands felt very fitting.

One fond memory of my childhood is playing video games on my Sega Genesis and one of my favorite games to play was Splatterhouse 2. Included on the disc, unlocked by playing through the story mode, is the entire Splatterhouse trilogy, complete in all there uncut gory glory. Having all three of the original Splatterhouse games on the disc was the biggest selling point for me.

Splatterhouse is not without its faults. My biggest complaint is its load times. Even with the game installed to my hard drive, some load times lasted up to a minute and a half or two. Some of the side scrolling segments were hard for me, so it was common for me to die, and to have to wait such a long period of time to try again just felt like insult to injury.

Level design also felt very uninspired and it feels like the development team stuck to a very strict color palette of reds and blacks. I was also disappointed in the small number of different creature designs. As you progress through the game, it feels like you are fighting the same monsters through the same stage. However, some of the boss battles were really cool, specifically the final boss fight.

When we watch exploitation movies, we turn the other way with bad acting, plot holes, and sometimes bad dubbing. If can look the other way with slightly repetitive gameplay, horrendous load times, and semi-bad level design, I recommend you check out Splatterhouse. It just may become your new guilty pleasure.

7 out of 10
Trailer for Splatterhouse:

Win Win "In The Game of Life, You Can't Lose Them All"

Directed By: Thomas McCarthy

Starring: Paul Giamatti & Alex Shaffer

Win Win tells the story of Mike Flaherty, a lawyer in New Jersey and head coach of a losing high school wrestling team that is afraid of losing his practice because of a lack of business. When he learns that the state of New Jersey is going to obtain guardianship of one of his elderly clients, Leo, Mike agrees to become his guardian, but only because he knows that Leo’s guardian receives a $1500 commission a month. Things get interesting when Leo’s 16 year old grandson, Kyle, shows up in New Jersey from Ohio wanting to live with him. Mike agrees to take Kyle in until they can arrange for Kyle to get back to Ohio. Mike soon learns that Kyle is an amazing wrestling and Mike is able to get Kyle to enroll in the high school he teaches at and gets him to wrestle for the team. However, things take a turn for the worse when Kyle’s mother shows up in New Jersey wanting to take Kyle and Leo back to Ohio with her.

The acting in Win Win I believe is what stands out the most. The way the characters are portrayed in it made it very easy for me to relate to them, specifically Kyle who has a very easy going nature, but with a possible dark past. I still found myself “rooting” for the character of Mike, even though he was scamming money off an elderly man because everything else seemed genuine about his character like his love for his family. I felt so emotionally attached to the characters that I was sad when the movie was over.

With several comedic scenes and lines from the supporting cast, Win Win provides multiple laughs. Win Win ultimately tells the tale that sometimes you have to do what is right, even though you might not benefit from it. I highly recommend it.

9 out of 10
Trailer for Win Win:

Watchmen "Who Will Save Us Now?"

Directed by: Zack Synder

Starring: Jackie Earle Haley & Jeffrey Dean Morgan

Watchmen tells the story of several masked vigilantes, with only one of them actually possessing super powers. Due to a public outrage, Richard Nixon, who is in his sixth presidential term, passes a bill that outlaws vigilantes. All of them decide to retire, with the exception of one, Rorschach. When another one of them, The Comedian, is murdered, Rorschach begins his own investigation believing that someone is killing masked vigilantes. However, Rorschach soon discovers that a much more sinister plot is at hand.

Based on a DC comic of the same name, multiple filmmakers have tired for years to adapt Watchmen into a movie. What makes the Watchmen comic interesting is that it was only a one 12 issue series. Take any another DC superhero that has had a movie, such as Batman or Green Lantern, and you know that there have been hundreds of comics written with those characters allowing screenplay writers to pick from hundreds of reference points for their movies. The screenplay writers of Watchmen had to stick closely to its source material, therefore creating a very faithful adaption of the comic book. I even read that the director, Zack Synder, allowed the actors to carry a copy of the graphic novel on set, so if a line in the script was different from the comic, the actors could say the line from the comic.

Watchmen is a bit of rarity in its field, it is a Rated R superhero movie and a “hard” R at that. With the exception of Kick-Ass and Super, I cannot think of another “hard” R superhero film. When Watchmen initially came out in theaters, it was financially performing poorly. So the screenplay writers, David Hayter and Alex Tse, asked people to watch it again in theaters because it was possibly discouraging big movie companies to not take chances on movies like Watchmen. So I did my part and watched Watchmen twice in theaters.

I believe Zack Synder was an excellent director for Watchmen for a couple reasons. One, he has proven that he is great with working with material that has already been established. For example, his remake of Dawn of the Dead in 2004, his adaption of 300 in 2006, and his adaption of Legend of the Guardians in 2010. He is also a great action director and his use of slow motion seems to always make a fight scene seem cooler.

Watchmen also contains my favorite opening credit scene ever. In Watchmen, you learn that there has been two groups of vigilantes from two different time periods. The opening credit scene in Watchmen tells the story of the first group of vigilantes in a very stylish fashion while even giving us some “insight” to some of America’s more controversial history.

From directing to storytelling to acting, Watchmen is a very memorable movie that I highly recommend.

9 out of 10
Trailer for Watchmen:

Skyline "Don't Look Up"

Directed By: The Brothers Strause

Starring: Eric Balfour & Scottie Thompson

Shot for the incredibly low price of 10 million dollars, Skyline tells the story of several individuals who are trapped in a high end LA apartment while aliens attack the city. The individuals are armed with a nifty telescope that projects an image on to their television screen, so whenever they are not on the roof of the apartment being chased by some alien, they can see and watch in terror what is going on below them in the city.

At the time of this writing, Skyline has an embarrassing 4.5/10 on imdb.com and a 16% on rottentomatoes.com and I believe I can explain why. Before the aliens start attacking, the film is allowed to establish its characters and develop situations for them that should later create tension and drama for the film. For example, we learn one couple has just gotten pregnant and that another character is cheating on his girlfriend. However, the characters and their relationships feel underdeveloped, and by the time the aliens start attacking, I don’t think anybody really cared what happened to the characters by this point.

However, character relationships, underdeveloped or not, is not the reason why I am interested in watching a movie like this. The creatures and their design is the major selling point for me. I read that the majority of the budget was spent on the effects and whoever’s decision that was, I must agree with them. There are multiple types of aliens and they all look really, really good. Of course there is a giant mothership, smaller ships that have giant tentacles coming out their back, a giant flying head (that amusingly resembles a vagina to me) with tentacles, a giant alien that is stories tall, such as Godzilla or the monster from Cloverfield, and the working class aliens that stand erect like a human being.

My favorite alien was the giant alien that is stories tall like Godzilla. Not only can this guy crush cars and buildings whenever he steps on them, he can shoot multiple tentacles out of his hand that catch people and then swallow them in his hand or take down massive targets like a helicopter. Even cooler, there are several of these dudes wrecking havoc on Los Angeles.

In my opinion, Skyline also suffers from some lame one liners, weird tough guy moments, and jet fighter scenes that resemble something from Independence Day. However, Skyline ends with a fairly memorable WTF scene that makes it worthy enough to at least be a Netflix rental. While that does sound kind of harsh, I actually want to encourage people to watch this movie. If you search for Skyline on imdb.com, one of the suggestions is Skyline 2 in 2012. If that's the case, I’m on board for a sequel.

My Rating: 6 out of 10
Trailer for Skyline: